There’s no standardized expectation in life. Each person’s journey offers unique ingredients, much like distinct recipes for different chefs. The true champions in life are those who create a meaningful existence with the hand they’ve been dealt.

Kate_Heeyoung

Rough materials

We shouldn’t be deceived by the concept of a “standardized expectation of life” that dictates certain expectations for specific ages or life stages. In reality, this notion is an unrealistic fantasy, rooted in baseless and mysterious falsehoods. Every life is unique, and everyone’s circumstances—be it family, wealth, or situation—differ. I liken these to the ingredients of life. Many of these ingredients are raw, and as such, they can vary – some might be rotten, unripe, thick, tough, or rough, and each has its distinct flavor.

Cupcake war vs Life war

One of my favorite shows is ‘Cupcake Wars’. In this competition, chefs must create the best cupcake using ingredients provided by the host. Many of these ingredients are quite unconventional, like fish oil, hot pepper, chili, Kahlua, and even kimchi. Contestants must craft delicious cupcakes with these random ingredients, all within a limited time frame. This show reminds me a lot of life itself. We are all working with a mix of ‘life ingredients’, be it abusive parents (akin to hot chili) or neglectful ones (perhaps represented by avocado), among other unpredictable and challenging factors. Yet, just as the winner of the show crafts a delightful cupcake with their given ingredients, the true champions in life are those who create a meaningful existence with the hand they’ve been dealt.

My story

Let me share my life ingredients little bit first.

Shame and embarrassed childhood

Ever since I was young, I’ve often looked up at the sky and wondered, “Why? Why was my life so out of the ordinary?” In South Korea during the 1980s, teachers occasionally conducted surveys in class. They’d ask, “Who here has parents who are divorced? Who has a refrigerator at home? Who has a TV?” Most of these questions didn’t bother me, except for that one unsettling question about divorced parents. I was the only one in my class with that reality. Everyone would turn and look at me as if I were an animal in a zoo. An uncomfortable silence would then fill the room for a moment.

Such serious public embarrassment continued until I reached middle school, spanning almost six years of my early life. In reality, many of my peers didn’t even know what “divorce” meant, but I did. I was deeply ashamed and embarrassed by my family’s situation and our living conditions. To make matters worse, my aunt’s family situation was another source of embarrassment in our town. She was very poor and had to work as a housemaid for wealthier families. She would do their laundry and clean their homes for very little pay. However, her husband behaved as if they were wealthy, spending money extravagantly.

Although they were among the poorest in the neighborhood, her husband, with a rather unconventional mindset, bought a used car. In those times, only the wealthy typically owned cars, even used ones. He parked it outside their modest basement home, which only fueled more talk. It was well-known that my aunt sometimes couldn’t afford a bag of rice and had to buy on credit, paying back when she could. That is why my aunt’s family was a constant source of gossip in our town.

Not only was her husband’s behavior considered unusual, but their twin children were notorious for stealing car name tags and selling them on the black market. As for me, I was their niece, living with them because my divorced mother sent monthly payments to support me. The whole situation was a source of great shame for me.

As a child, due to this embarrassment, I’d always look down, focusing on my toes instead of facing the world. My teenage years were no different. On several occasions, my mother would get drunk and end up lying on the street or on the staircases of our apartment building, adding to my feelings of shame.

Looking back at those years, feelings of shame and embarrassment dominated my life. I felt an overwhelming need to escape, to find a place where no one would notice me. I remember two things I would often do: one was sitting on the street, lost in daydreams, and the other was reading books. Perhaps these habits were the reason I felt so moved and saddened when I read ‘The Little Match Girl’ by Hans Christian Andersen.

Young adult

As I entered young adulthood, the feelings of family-related shame and embarrassment didn’t cease. During that time, I often found myself questioning God: “Why is this happening? Why must I endure these continuous moments of shame and embarrassment?” I might not have received clear answers then, but one thing became apparent – I felt compelled to do whatever it took to overshadow my family’s perceived shortcomings. Moreover, I yearned to distance myself from them permanently. This urge was one of the main reasons I wanted to move to the United States.

Adult

As I became an adult, the ingredients of my life remained challenging. It wasn’t just the divorce, but also my second husband, who came from North Korea, brought conflicts with his family. These conflicts were tough, but the most heart-wrenching challenge was my daughter’s rare genetic disease. Her condition deeply affected me, prompting me to re-evaluate my life’s perspective, shifting from a singular view to embracing multiple perspectives.

Cooking

I felt like I was constantly being cooked in various ways – sometimes dried, fried, boiled, chopped, mixed, and steamed with these life ingredients. Yet, by the time I reached my 50s, alongside my precious daughter, Eury, and my husbands with my other five children, I evolved into a distinguished chef of life.

The obstacles I faced in the past have shaped my professional journey. The shame and embarrassment led me to an interest in life management. My mother’s experiences gave me insights into the lives of women and single mothers. The health challenges faced by my daughter steered me toward healthcare administration doctoral degree.

Share

I’d love to share my life’s cooking recipe with you. I’m also curious about the ingredients you’ve been given in your life, and the recipes you use to navigate them. To all the young adults out there, if you’re facing tough situations, remember that these challenges are like rare raw ingredients. They can make you stand out and be special. Always remember that you are the chef of your life.

Here’s the first set of steps I want to share with you:

1. Trust yourself. Remember, you are the chef of your life.
2. No matter the circumstances, never judge your life based solely on the present moment.
3. Always respect yourself, even if it feels like others don’t.
4. When tough times come your way, think of them as gathering unique ingredients for your life’s recipe. Don’t be afraid of challenges, like a wriggling octopus! When prepared right, for instance, with a spicy Korean sauce, it can turn into super goooooood!!!.